Doctors Are Idiots
by whitchry9
Summary: In Sherlock's opinion anyway. Written in text style with me as Sherlock and my friend ThatCassidyGirl as John.


How much lidocaine do I use for an approximately 10 cm long laceration? -SH

Who've you injured this time? Please tell me it wasn't Anderson again. - JW

And no more than 3mg per kg. Understood? No more than that. - JW

Like Anderson would let me stitch him up. And anyone else would be stupid enough to go to A&E. And fine. -SH

All right, what happened? - JW

Why do you jump to conclusions? -SH

Sherlock, just...are you okay? - JW

Of course I am. Have I ever not been? -SH

... - JW

Don't answer that. -SH

Thank you. Now, what are you doing? - JW

I thought it would've been obvious what I was doing. -SH

But in case you're a little dense today, I'll use little words. I'm suturing up a cut. -SH

Yes, I gathered that! But on whom?! - JW

Me of course. Anyone else would be stupid enough to trust the hacks at A&E with this. -SH

Another case you decided not to tell me about? - JW

It was an experiment. I misjudged one of the variable. That's all. -SH

What did we say about experiments? No blood. Mrs. Hudson is getting sick of having the carpets cleaned. And no experimenting on yourself. It's dangerous! Not that I want you experimenting on OTHER people either, but... - JW

Oh calm down John I'm in the bathroom. And can you stop texting me because the stitches are getting crooked. -SH

Oh and when will you be home? -SH

In a half-hour. Why? - JW

Can you perhaps run to the store and get some milk before coming home? -SH

We have, like, 4 cartons! Have you even looked in the fridge? - JW

We need... more? -SH

-.- Fine. I'll get some take-out for you as well, being as I'm out tonight. - JW

Good. And let me know when you're almost here. -SH

Sherlock, do I need to call Mrs. Hudson to check on you? Also, call your brother if you need anything tonight...I've got a date. - JW

Nope. I'm all good. Just busy. And of course I knew you had a date John. One look at your socks... -SH

Oh for crying out loud...my socks? How do you even...? Never mind. I'll be home in 20 minutes now, by the way. - JW

Although the boring teacher doesn't like that jumper, so you might not have as nice a date as you were hoping. -SH

It's...not the teacher, so I'll wear this jumper if I want to. - JW

John, no one like that jumper. It's hideous. -SH

Oh, I suppose I should go for a jacket and scarf all the time, then? You've been watching too much crap fashion telly. Also, do me a favour and don't go into to the lab tonight. - JW

John, even without the crap telly I know it's hideous. The elements and principles of design have been around for ages. The ancient Greeks would call it hideous as well.

And why would I? We're not on a case. I'll just stay home practising sutures and shooting the wall. -SH

Okay, good. Just checking. Text me if a case comes up. 10 minutes. - JW

Because the possibility of me calling you is so high. -SH

Just...don't randomly show up tonight, okay? - JW

No worries. I'm not going anywhere near that jumper. -SH

Just be careful while texting Molly, you tend to have a habit of sending her messages to me. -SH

Did you happen to pick up any rubbing alcohol? -SH

Texting...why would I be texting Molly?! - JW

About your date. -SH

How did you know...And of course I didn't! Why would I pick up rubbing alcohol?! - JW

... - JW

I'll start looking for another flat. - JW

With Molly? -SH

No! I just thought...you'd be upset with me. - JW

Because you're dating Molly? -SH

No, by all means. It should keep her out of my hair. -SH

Although some rubbing alcohol would be great. -SH

And maybe some of those really big plasters if you're still at the store. -SH

But...I thought you and she...I dunno, liked each other. - JW

Unrequited John.-SH

Oh. And I take it that doesn't mean you like her, and she's not that into you? - JW

Obviously not. -SH

Although you should change your jumper. -SH

One more comment about my jumper and you don't get any rubbing alcohol OR plasters. AND I'll invite Anderson to sleep on our couch. - JW

He wouldn't dare come over here. He knows he wouldn't make it until morning. And really John? You want me to get an infection? Did you even take the Hippocratic oath? -SH

"I will prescribe regimens for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgement and never do harm to anyone." I'm not actually doing harm to you, and it is my judgement that you need to learn your lesson about your experiments. - JW

The Band-Aid plasters are in the hall closet. Second shelf from the top. - JW

They are not big enough. And withholding treatment is just as bad as mistreatment. -SH

I'm not withholding! My treatment is no treatment. I'm here, by the way. - JW

No doubt. You only think you're quiet. -SH


End file.
